A Sinking Feeling

Here's the latest update on the Zombie 5k: there will be no Zombie 5k.  I just received an email from Monster Runs saying the 5k has been cancelled due to a sinkhole.  Seriously...only in Florida.  This was not just a small sinkhole in the middle of the course somewhere.  This sinkhole was large enough to close down the entire back half of the course.  Am I upset?  Am I demanding my money back?  Am I overly disappointed?  Uh...no, no, and no.   

Don't get me wrong, I think it would have been fun and I would've been proud to check this goal off the list, but I have discovered that I am NOT a runner....not even close.   The event itself would have been fun, getting chased by Zombies would have been scary and hilarious, hanging out with my friends at the after-party would have been a blast!  But the actual running part?  Not so much.  

I have been in pain every single day since I started my C25k training several months ago.  My old torn achilles injury, which never healed correctly, has been a consistent issue for me.  But despite the excruciating pain, I still pushed through.  I completed the C25k program, and then continued to work on building up my cardio by getting on the elliptical a few times a week.  I tried running inside, running outside, running with special apps to make it more interesting, and I made the world's best playlists known to man, but alas.....I hated every second of it, if I am being honest.  It hurt.

I was proud of myself after each "run" (read: fast jog), but I never successfully made it through an entire 3.1 miles straight....not once.  I would always hit a wall around the 2 mile mark and could never seem to break through that.  I literally could almost not walk some days after running.  So no matter how proud I was of myself, or how encouraged I was by thinking of the end goal, I knew deep down that I was miserable.  I was committed though.  I was going through with this Zombie 5k come hell or ruptured tendon.  

I always knew I was not a runner.  I would tell people that I was not a runner and felt no shame in it.  I never understood the point of running.  It's painful, with or without an injured heel.  Not in the good way either, like when you're sore after a workout.  I'm talking skeletal pain.  Shin splints, heel spurs, bad backs and hips bones, etc.  For years, whenever I would see someone running down Bayshore, I would always think to myself "Um, okay....why?"  Unless I am running to get the last pair of deeply discounted Jimmy Choos or I am being chased by an ax-wielding clown, I just don't see running in my future.

With that said, this journey is about branching out, being the best me I can be, trying new things, and breaking through barriers that are holding me back.  I decided to change my mindset.  I chose to think and act as if I were a runner.  I got rid of the "I am not a runner" mentality, and I gave it a shot.  You are what you say you are, after all.   I would look at running sites, and window-shop for cute running clothes.  I visualized running the Disney Marathon.  I was excited....well, that is until I wasn't.  

The weight wasn't really coming off as fast I had thought it would.  I have lost weight, of course, but not enough to make it worth the excruciating pain I was putting myself through.  It's a tricky situation.  I needed to run to help get the weight off, but my extra weight made running painful and difficult.  Imagine running while carrying a huge, cumbersome, 40 lb. bag of dog food.  That's what it's like.  You get winded, tired, and sore 10x faster when you are carrying extra weight on your body.  Add a torn tendon on top of all that, and yeah...no bueno.  Regardless, that's been my life the last few months.  Oy.

Needless to say, I am not disappointed that the race was called off.  Not even in the slightest.  In fact, I am actually elated.  The impending doom is finally over!  The misery has ended!  I can spend the time I would have spent running, doing something that I actually enjoy instead!  For example, I have a lot of fun at Zumba and it burns crazy calories.  I like swimming, and riding bikes, and I adore yoga.  These are all realistic and sustainable forms of exercise for me.  They are things I will continue to do for years, long after I reach my goal weight.  That's the key to  success for me.

In the end, I regret nothing.  I knew running was probably not my thing, but I would have always wondered had I not tried.  I am proud of myself for sticking with it, despite the millions of reasons I had for quitting.  And you know, on day one of my C25k I was supposed to walk 5 mins, run 2 mins, then walk 5 mins again.  That's it.  I couldn't even run those 2 minutes that first day.  I could only run 90 seconds.  Now I can run almost 2 miles.  So I have gained something from it all.

To my friends, family, and readers out there who enjoy running - you are truly strange birds to me, but you inspire me none the less.  As for me though, in the future I will get my Zombie fix simply by watching the The Walking Dead....instead of just feeling like the walking dead.  

Onto the next challenge!  Rock on.

Fighting the Good Fight

Okay...

October was rough, but it wasn't a total wash for me.  I didn't give up or anything.  I just wanted to pause for a moment.  Every now and then you have to stop and adjust the sails so you don't end up as alien bait somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle.  You know? 

I love PBF.  This blog has been really good for me. It's helped me keep my thoughts clear, stay on task with my goals, and has prompted me to try new things.  #Winning. 

October is kind of a rough month for me though, and I was just feeling overwhelmed...for a lot of reasons.  I couldn't really clear my mind enough to write a post.  I didn't want to put a post up just for the sake of posting. I promised myself I would never post anything that was not authentic, so I didn't.  
Anyhoo...to all of you out there who are still following along on this journey with me, thanks for sticking around.  I am still here, I am still fighting the good fight.  My sails have the wind! 

"You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth!" ~ Rocky Balboa   

Baby Got Back...Fat

I found a shipping bag in my closet the other day while getting ready for work.  It was from the athleticwear company Fabletics.  I love Fabletics.  The company was started by Kate Hudson, and sells cute, quality, workout gear to their members for a lot less than say, Lululemon or Athleta.  I've been a member for over a year now, but haven't purchased anything for several months.

I was curious.  What had I ordered?  I'm famous for having scads of clothes hanging in my closet with the tags still on them, but this hadn't even made it out of the bag yet.  So, I opened it up to see what was inside of said mystery bag.  I found a cute pair of raspberry and wine colored compression workout pants and a sweat-wicking, racerback, yoga style tank top in the same colors.  Then it all came flooding back to me....they were way, waaaay too tight.  I had purchased them in January, but needed to return them because they were hopelessly too small.  Ergo, why they were still in the shipping bag.  

I clearly remember trying on that tank top when it first arrived.  It was disastrous.  Two words: back fat.  The drama is real.  The tank was advertised as slightly fitted.  However, I doubt by "fitted" they meant "so skin tight that the bottom rolls up and entire portions of the shirt disappear into fat rolls" kind of fitted.  I hardly think Kate Hudson would be happy with me wearing her clothes around town in that manner.  Not the greatest advertisement.  In fact, Kate would likely sue me for defamation of her good reputation.  And rightly so.  I'd certainly get tossed out of my gym, at the very least.

As I was about to throw the shirt back in the bag out of sheer disgust, and go all Scarlet "I'll worry about this tomorrow" O'Hara on the whole situation, something made me stop and hold the shirt up and look at it one more time.  It looked like it might sort of fit me. Hmmm...  So, I trepidatiously tried it on.  I was in shock!  It was fitted but not tight, just as advertised.  Had I actually lost some inches on this journey?!  No way!  C'mon...

I rushed to grab my trusty measuring tape, and quickly stripped down to my skivvies.  I was astounded!  I double and triple-checked my numbers to be sure.  Alas, I was actually down!  I had lost two whole inches in my chest/back fat area!  I needed to hurry up and get ready for work, but I couldn't resist taking another minute to measure my belly as well.  Lo and behold, I was down a solid inch in my belly fat area!  I was flabbergasted.  This whole journey might actually be working.   

I admit I noticed that lately my bras have been fitting more comfortably.  I have been tugging and pulling at them a lot less than usual.  Also, instead of my bras rolling up like a string and disappearing between the bulges of fat on my back, they have been laying a bit flatter and nicer as of late.  Not perfect, but definitely more normal fitting.   Of course, I assumed that my bras had just stretched out.  I never once thought it could be that I might be getting thinner.  It was completely more logical to me that every single bra I owned had somehow stretched out, than it was for me to think that I might've actually lost some inches.  Classic.

In case you are wondering, yes, I tried on the compression pants.  No dice.  Well, actually, I can get them on now, unlike before.  But I would seriously be mortified if anyone (including my dog) saw me wearing them at this stage of the game.  I hope to fit into them in time for my Zombie 5k run in 6 weeks.  Will keep you posted.   Either way, this baby may have too much "back" right now to wear those compression pants comfortably, but I also have less "back fat" and that's a win.  I'll take it.  YAY!!

Rock on.

Getting Some Traction

Yesterday, in my Zumba class, the instructor mentioned how we should wear shoes with less traction to help with the fast-paced dance steps and pivoting turns involved in Zumba.  She said it's not required, but it helps prevent knee injuries.  She explained that the traction on running shoes grips the floor too much, causing your foot to stay in place when the rest of your body is shimmying around...causing injured knees.  I've always worn running shoes to Zumba in the past, and over half the class had running shoes on, so I am not overly concerned.  But I did notice that those not wearing running shoes were also the ones who were doing the steps and turns like an old pro. Hmm...maybe the instructor was right.

Not sure if I am going to invest in special Zumba shoes, but I was more mindful of my knees for the remainder of the class.  Luckily, no injured knees, but I am so sore.  I feel a kind of sore today that I have never experienced with running or yoga.  A "good" kind of soreness, like I remember from workouts of yore.  My booty and hip flexors have that "day after a hard workout" kind of thing going on, and it feels really good.  It's nice to know those muscles are still there, despite the years of neglect.  Every time I feel my sore muscles, it is a reminder that I did something good for myself.  To quote John Cougar, it hurts so good.

As my instructor issued her "if you wear traction in class, you will end up in traction outside of class" warning (I'm paraphrasing, of course), I couldn't help but think of what a great metaphor all of her "traction" talk was for my current journey.  

There are times that life is a dance party and I can shimmy from one day to the next.  Other times, I may need some extra traction to make it up the hill.  Either way, it's all a part of the journey and I'm proud of myself for taking it.  It's the toughest thing I've ever done, but it hurts so good.  

  

The Venus Spectrum

As I am sure you have figured out by now, I am in no way an athlete.   I'm also not some slovenly, fat chick sitting on my couch all day, eating bonbons.  I'm overweight but I enjoy walking my dog, swimming, bike riding, etc.  Left to my own devices though, I would never choose to willingly participate in "sports."

When it comes to being athletic, I am more Venus of Willendorf than I am Venus Williams.  And I am okay with that...well, sorta.  I mean, I know I will never have a rock hard body like Venus Williams (mostly because I don't want to work quite as hard as she does).  However, I do need to be a lot fitter than my current state of fattitude. I'd be happy just to be somewhere in the middle of the "Venus Spectrum."  I'm thinking more like Venus de Milo...but with arms.

I am moving in the right direction though. I've been consistently working out, eating better, and losing weight...slowly but surely. I am plugging away on my C25k program, I do yoga several times a week, and I recently started trying to incorporate a few push-ups here and there (more on that last part at another time).   

As I've mentioned before, this journey is not just about weight loss, it's also about getting past my old hang-ups and becoming a better me.  Keeping that in mind, I think the better version of me should be more well-rounded in the working out/sports department.  Who knows, maybe I'm all "Sporty Spice" underneath of this fat-suit.  I've never tried to figure that out before.

Note to self: add Wannabe by the Spice Girls to my "Guilty Pleasures" playlist. 

I need to shake things up a bit - find out what would really be fun for me.  If I want to remain healthy long term, I need to find something that I will stick with long after I reach my goal weight.

Last week at the gym, while my friend and I were on the treadmill training for our Zombie 5k (read: sweating, crying, and gasping for air), we noticed what appeared to be a Zumba class in session on the first floor.  We briefly discussed how we should start taking Zumba classes again, how much fun it was, and the crazy amount of calories we could burn in a one-hour class. (Allegedly the average person burns roughly 500 calories (or more) per class.  Aw, yeah...)

It's been quite some time since we've been to a Zumba class. So, my friend/running mate/Zumba partner took charge!  A few days after our run, she stopped back in at the gym and checked out the class.  She said the teacher was great, and the routine was fun.  Perfect!   We start Saturday!  This is exactly what I needed to kick things up a notch!  I secretly would love to be all Sporty Spice....truth be told.

My friend and I used to love taking group exercise classes, and Zumba was always a favorite.  The funny thing is, I actually suck at Zumba.  I'm always grapevining left when the rest of the class is grapevining right.  I am facing the wrong direction most of the time, and I'm shaking my booty when I am supposed to be "popping" it.  It would be seriously embarrassing if it were not so comical.  

Either way, I always end up dancing my butt off to the Latin remixes of today's hits loudly pumping from the speakers...and that is what counts. Zumba is exhausting (even my eyelids sweat, I swear!), but spirits are always high. Every single person is having fun and getting in some great cardio at the same time.  Total win/win!  I may not be playing a sport, but it's something different, and definitely a fun step in the right direction.  Just what this Venus is looking for.    

Shop Local

I realized earlier today that other than the upcoming Zombie 5k, I don't really have any short-term goals set for myself.  I think that's an important part of the journey.  So, I started thinking about which short-term goals have motivated me in the past.  

I remember once having a "goal outfit" to inspire me.  I picked out an outfit that I really loved, but that was also way, waaaay too small for me.  I hung it on the back of my bathroom door so that I would see it every time I stepped out of the shower.  When I looked at it every day, I would visualize myself wearing it...down to the shoes.  The thing is, that outfit wasn't even really anything special.  It was just a simple new work outfit.  But it may as well have been haute couture, as far as I was concerned...I liked it that much.  

You know, having that goal really worked!  I met that goal, and I wore that outfit all the time.  I loved it every time I wore it.  It fit me exactly as I had visualized.  The pants were wide-legged and made of this beautiful navy blue, drapey kind of material.  They were gorgeous. The shirt was a delicate, short-sleeved, polka-dotted, girly blouse.  Totally classic. Whenever I wore that outfit, I felt like I was on the runway for Valentino, at Fashion Week.   I will never forget how good that felt.  That was a great goal to set for myself.  

So this Labor Day, while everyone else is off having their last fling with summer - swimming, boating, cooking out -  I will be spending my holiday "shopping" in my closet.  It's time to pick out a new goal outfit.  I have a lot of brandnew clothes I've never worn, so I am excited to look through everything.  It's going to be a fun day!

Who knows?  Maybe I'll choose those cute bellbottom jeans that still have the tags on them and the ivory boho top....or that cute black dress I've never been able to wear, but often look at and admire.  I may even find something I've completely forgotten about altogether!  It's going to be fun picking something out, and I'll be organizing my closet in the process!  Win/win!

I've learned from previous diets that it's critical to have short-term goals like this one.  It makes things fun and interesting, and it keeps your mind occupied while you're on the journey toward your bigger, ultimate goal. 

It's good to use the "mini-goals" as distractions along the way, because sometimes the end goal can seem so far off and insurmountable.  Plus, every single time you achieve one of the smaller, more easily attainable goals, it gives you more and more confidence. The classic snowball effect, you know?  The plan is to be so busy achieving small goals that you don't even think about the big goal...until you get there.  

It's decided then...a new goal outfit it is!  So, for now, I'm off to channel my inner "Anna Wintour" and find the perfect outfit...right here in my own closet!  

Have a great Labor Day, my friends.

**striking a pose in Florida**

  

Running Out Of Steam

It's been a week since my last post.  Life has kept me busy, but that's not really the reason I haven't blogged.  I've had one of those weeks where I am just tired of the whole thing.  Not the blogging part, just the journey part.  It's hard to stay encouraged.  I've stayed the course, but it was tough this week.  Keeping my spirits up is half of the battle, and this week it felt like a full on war.  

I usually try to blog about something uplifting, informational, funny, or interesting.  But today?  Today I just want to blog about how I really feel....which is none of those things.  I decided I would rather be a little bit of a downer, and keep it real, than to not blog at all.  I do still have some nuggets of happiness and encouragement in my mind, but they are stuck in a logjam behind my utter disdain for this leg of my journey.  I definitely need to clear this mental blockage to get those good feelings flowing once again.  So here goes....

The thing is, it hurts to run.  I have a lot of extra weight crushing down on my skeletal system with each running step.  Sure, my muscles are fatigued, and it's still kind of hard to catch my breath a lot of times, and I still get the occasional twinge of pain in my heel (the one that has the torn achilles tendon), but that's all to be expected.  They don't call it a "work"out for nothing!  If working out were easy, I would have achieved my weight loss goals long ago!  But the crushing weight on my skeletal system is just so rough.  

It seems I'm in this sucky catch-22 right now.  I have to exercise to help my body shed the fat, but the fat is making it hard to exercise.  It's really hard to run with all of this extra weight, and it's even difficult to get into certain yoga positions.  My own body gets in the way, especially the extra weight in my belly.  Imagine strapping a big bag of wet sand to the front of your body and then running like that, or trying to do the "plow" position in yoga.  Yep, that is basically my current reality.  It's really hard.   That is what it is like for me.   

The funny thing is, as I just typed that last paragraph, I thought to myself - "What a whiner."  The image of Bill Murray in What About Bob? popped into my head - "I'm doing the work, I'm taking the baby steps, but I need, I need, I neeeed!"   It's not whining though....it's being honest.  I am still pushing forward and continuing on this journey.  I am not making excuses.  And I am certainly not quitting.  I am just blogging about my realities...in the off-chance that someone reading this is on the "struggle bus" as well.   

The struggle is real.  But I think we can get through this rough patch - together -  one back-crushing step at a time.  Will we ever achieve the elusive "runner's high"?  I don't know.  I am not even certain that that is a real thing.  It seems more likely that I'd run into Bigfoot pumping iron at the gym.  I am not even sure, just yet, if I can even achieve jogging for 15 minutes straight.  But even still, in the face of all of this uncertainty, I honestly feel deep down in my gut...my big fat gut...that this will all pay-off in the end.  It will all be worth it.  I may never experience that euphoric endorphin rush from running, but something tells me that it pales in comparison to how fantastic it will feel simply finishing the race.  

Power on , my friends.  Power on!