Inch by Inch

With my one month weigh-in just around the corner, I started thinking about my pending results for the month.  I know the scale will show a loss.  I am pretty confident about that. But it got me thinking about diets of yore.  Diets that left me starving, or cutting out entire food groups, or eating only one certain food for every meal for weeks on end (I will never look at leek soup the same again...ever).  Diets where the scale showed massive weight loss in the first week or month, only later to stall out and backfire on me.  Diets based upon the number on the scale only, and never about health.  

Knowing that the number on the scale is not the only indicator of health, I decided to take my measurements. Time to go old school. Calculating my poundage on a fancy-schmancy, newfangled scale is clearly necessary, but I figured a good old fashioned measuring tape session was in order as well.  In my experience, one can never predict when things might get squirrely at weigh in time.  Best to hedge my bets.  It was time to get blood-raw real with myself, yet again.  

So I dug around in my "sewing basket" and found a brand new measuring tape all the way at the bottom. There it was, tidily stored in perfect condition just waiting for it's big moment to shine.  Oh, and shine it would!  This little thing was about to have it's big moment in the sun.

I was kind of nervous unraveling the small roll of fabric tape.  That little roll didn't seem like it would be long enough to go around my big bottom.  Panic set in for a moment, but luckily I was wrong. Whew! There was actually more than enough to go around my big bum. Things were touch and go for a minute though.  But it seems my fears were just another classic case of bad body image. Welcome to the absurdity that is my mind some days.  

I stood in front of the mirror in nothing but workout pants and a sports bra.  Yeah, seriously.  This is not an easy thing to do.  Keeping my mind from going all "Mean Girls" on my body proved nearly impossible.  I had to really focus on being loving and positive.  It was a tough task, but I felt it was a worthy one.  I pushed out my visions of people seeing me, then running away in horror, grabbing their children, and shielding their eyes so as not to turn to stone at the sight of all of my fat and glory.  I  was almost certain that I could hear screaming and gnashing of teeth from my neighbors.

I took a deep breath and began to think of all the positive things about my body.  How healthy my blood work is despite the number on the scale.  How that regardless of my weight and years of yo-yo dieting, I have somehow managed to prevent too many stretch marks from appearing (daily slathering of Palmer's cocoa butter lotion, perhaps?).  I thought about all the ways that my body has been good to me.  It's been doing double-time for a few years, and deserves to feel good again!  Just the thought of being good to the very body that houses my spirit and the essence of who I am made me ecstatic....and really, truly grateful.

At the end of my "come to Jesus" with the measuring tape, I actually felt surprisingly good.  It was good to be honest with myself about those numbers.   It's good to have that point of reference in addition to the scale.  It was good to quiet those hateful voices in my head.  Was it easy?  Nope.  Were the resulting measurements great?  Absolutely not, they were horrifying actually.  But none of that compares to the feeling of gratitude I have for my body now.  The one that is mine.  The one I want to do right by.  I love this body, fat and all.....and I am grateful.  

  

Pilgrim's Progress

I have made a lot of changes lately, so I thought I'd take a moment to assess my progress.  I think it's smart for me to stop and check myself from time to time.  It's encouraging for me if I see that my hard work is moving the ball down the field.  I need to be able to see frequent progress.  I need to know that my efforts are producing fruit, and that my sacrifices are not all for naught. I have been on my journey to health for just about three weeks now, so it's time to assess if I need to adjust the sails or not.  My progress to date is as follows:

THE SCALE

I weighed myself on day one of this journey, and decided that I would not weigh again until the first thirty days have passed.  I have adhered strictly to this rule.  I don't want to risk being derailed if the scale doesn't show the progress I think it should.  I need to be able to implement changes...hard changes...without the stress and pressure of whether or not the number on the scale is cooperating.  I know my initial success needs to be about more than just a number.  It's important for me to utilize this time to focus on implementing some serious changes that I think will prove critical for my long-term success.  I am proud of myself for not weighing in yet. This is a HUGE breakthrough for me!  I definitely FEEL I have lost weight!  I just don't know the exact number yet.  I will report more on this next week though!  **insert excited face emoji here**

FOOD

I have made huge progress in this area!  I feel I am on the right track, but I do still have some work to do.  I am eating healthier than I have in a long time.  I am planning ahead more than I used to as well, so my freak-out sessions in the grocery store have diminished greatly.  I still have the occasional meltdown when entering Publix, but I have learned to stop, take a breath, get my bearings, and then, and ONLY then, proceed.  No more "hulking out" and running like a freak through the frozen food aisles for this girl!

One of the most exciting changes has been incorporating healthy snacks into my diet to keep around the office.  With my newly found skill for boiling eggs, I have provided myself with quick "go to" snacks.  This will be an important key to my success.  I can now enjoy an egg with salt and pepper or a few bites of egg salad instead of starving or reaching for processed junk.  I have also brought into the office some Cuties (sweet little tangerines) and a jar of green olives stuffed with pimento.  I love these things! And it's amazing how they satisfy my sweet (Cuties) or salty (olives) cravings!  I still need to work on getting some new, healthy, plant-based recipes to keep things interesting at dinner time, but I am actively seeking realistic options.  I am enjoying mending my old whacked out relationship with food.  This has all been an exciting change for me!

POSITIVE SELF IMAGE

Okay, so this area needs a lot more work.  I am definitely making progress, but old habits die hard, as they say.  The good thing is that I am aware now when I think badly or say not so nice remarks to myself.  I am aware...and that is a great thing!  Acknowledgment is the first step to recovery.  I still look in the mirror and say or think thoughts to myself like "Jeez, look at how fat, dumpy, and tired you are."  But now, I am at least noticing when I do that, and I immediately follow it up with feelings of gratitude for that very body at which I just spewed hatred. It is slowly, but surely working.  

I think this may end up being my biggest challenge.  I want to keep things real with myself, but I also need to train my mind to do it in a more positive and healthy manner.  It seems there is a very fine line between keeping it real and keeping it cruel.   So, yeah, still working hard on channeling my spirit animal.

C25K

My workout regimen is going along swimmingly!  I am not going to say it's been easy necessarily, but it's definitely been the easiest part of this journey!  Despite the occasional heel pain, it feels really good to move my body!  I mean, it's not like I am the next Flo-Jo or anything, but I am keeping at it. I am sticking to my the plan from the "Couch to 5k" program - "C25K" as we cool kids like to call it.

I printed off the C25K calendar to hang on my fridge, and I am crossing off each day as I complete it.  Even though I have yet to jog a total of more than 5 minutes per session, the jogging part is still pretty harsh! But I'm proud of myself!  Regardless, I am still doing this thing...take no prisoners style!  Feeling good about this one!  :)

BEAUTY REST

It has only been two nights since I started Project Sleepy Time, but I have never slept better!  This has been my favorite change thus far!  I feel incredible. The difference, mentally and physically, from just a couple of days ago is like night and day (pun intended)!

I am waking up earlier now since my body does not have to sleep in to try to make up for the sleep it lost during my old 3:00 AM insomnia sessions.  This is such a bonus for me!  It gives me more time in the morning with my pup, for working out, and making breakfast.  I am feeling more relaxed on my way to work as well! (Bonus for my road-mates!)  I feel refreshed and alert all day.  I don't even need an alarm!  I have been following all ten steps of Project Sleepy Time, and it is working beautifully!  I am no longer feeling/looking like an extra from the show Walking Dead, and the time I was wasting on insomnia is now being used for actually enjoying life!  Good times.  :)

CONCLUSION: Overall, it seems that I'm moving in the right direction.  Onward Ho!!  

Chasing my Dreams

The little girl just couldn't sleep, 

Because her thoughts were way too deep, 

Her mind had gone out for a stroll, 

And fallen down a rabbit hole.

I stumbled across that little rhyme one night while surfing Pinterest.  I am not sure who wrote it (Lewis Carroll maybe?), but it describes me perfectly.  It doesn't matter what day of the week it is or where I am in the world, if it's 3:00 AM, I am awake and my mind is racing. 

When I was a kid, I would occasionally sleepwalk. Other than that, I slept well pretty much every single night. I even indulged in frequent, luxurious, afternoon naps.  It was fantastic.  Me and sleep? We had it all going on.   

As an adult, sleep and I had a pretty good run for quite a few years.  As in my childhood, I could fall asleep anywhere, anytime.  I could fall asleep sitting on concrete steps with a tornado whirling overhead, and I'd sleep like a baby.  In fact, I used to actually have to fight the urge to fall asleep. Seriously, if I so much as even tried to "rest my eyes for just a few minutes", I'd be down for the count.  See ya in the morning! 

I am not sure exactly when things went off the rails with me and sleep, but we have been on the outs for quite some time now.  I think it all began about four years ago.   I was going through some life changes when insomnia stopped by and decided to set up camp.  Sleep eventually got edged out, one hour at a time.  Sleep and I have not quite been able to repair our relationship since then.  Insomnia is a jerk...clearly.  Things have improved recently though.  I do get a "decent night's sleep" for the most part, but I still never sleep entirely through the night.  I miss sleep.  Sleep was a good friend.

I need to figure this out though, for many reasons: I have bags under my eyes all the time (not a great look for me), my body begs for a nap every single afternoon (about the same time my boss starts cranking up my workload, of course), my mind gets fuzzy in critical situations, I'm constantly yawning at inappropriate times, I get sleep deprivation headaches, and worst of all, I have been gaining weight nonstop ever since my sleep issues began.  

I've read numerous reports from reputable sources about the connection between sleep deprivation and obesity.  They have proven medically that there are metabolic consequences for not getting enough sleep.  Fact: sleeping poorly increases a person's risk of developing obesity.  Apparently, the body perceives sleep deprivation as stress, so it begins to produce the hormone cortisol to protect itself. Did I mention that cortisol causes belly fat?  So yeah, there's that.  Oy.     

I am looking for lasting change on this journey.  I not only want to lose weight, I also want to be healthy in every aspect.  It is time to mend the fences with my long lost friend sleep, once and for all.  So tonight, I begin what I am dubbing "Project Sleepy Time."  I am pulling out all the stops!

Project Sleepy Time Rules:

1.  Turn off lights/TV/electronics about a 1/2 hour before bedtime
2.  Turn on the "Sleep Pillow" app (noise machine) on my phone and set the timer for 1 hour
3.  Keep bedroom cool and dark
4.  Mist bed with lavender essential oil before crawling in to sleep
5.  Turn on salt lamp at dinner time to produce positive ions in the bedroom (shut off at bedtime)
6.  If/when I awake at 3 AM, do NOT look at my phone
7.  Do simple yoga stretches for relaxation about 1/2 hour before bedtime
8.  Ceiling fan on....always!
9.  Make a point to think happy, relaxing thoughts as I drift off
10. Go to bed early enough to actually have time for a full 8 hours of sleep

I feel pretty good about this plan.  Time will tell, but I think it will work.  I am resolute about following these rules, hard core. It's time I stepped up and stopped being so cavalier about this issue.  I need to give my body every advantage possible to get and stay healthy.  I want to patch things up with sleep and put our differences behind us once and for all.  I want to kick insomnia to the curb, like  a bad boyfriend!  Beginning tonight...armed with nothing more than my rules, my pup, and the sweet sound of crashing waves pumping out from my Sleep Pillow app.  I've got this.  Zzzzzzzz........

  

Married to the Mob

When I was about 14 years old, I dreamed of growing up, moving to New York, living in a brownstone near Mulberry Street, and marrying some suit-wearing mobster with a cool name and ambiguous moniker like Vincenzo "The Umbrella" Sabatini, or Joey "No Thumbs" Gambino.  Of course, there would also be an old Sicilian grandmother somewhere in the mix, who would cook fantastic Italian dinners for us every night.  As I got a little older, I still loved all things Italian, but I realized that what I actually admired was a life closer to that in the movie Moonstruck and not so much the movie The Godfather.  More Castarini's, less Cosa Nostra, if you will.  However, at no point, in either fantasy, was a stint in the FBI's Witness Protection Program ever on the agenda.

Years later, despite my love for Italy, Moonstruck, and pasta, I ended up marrying an all-American guy from the Midwest with a regular name and no moniker.  The complete opposite of anything Mafia related.  So imagine my surprise when I recently came to the realization that I have been living in my own crazy version of the Witness Protection Program.  It finally dawned on me a few days ago that I have totally been living my life in hiding!  I simply went out for pasta one day, made the mistake of staying for the cannoli, and came back to my life to find a severed horse's head in the sheets.  My crime?  Gaining weight.

Because I am fat, I avoid entire areas of the city so as not to run into any of my old friends or former co-workers who have only known the better, skinnier version of me.  They don't even know that this new, fat me even exists.  And it needs to stay that way, as far as I am concerned.  It's not the real me.

I do keep in touch with my old friends on social media or via email, but that is where I draw the line.  I am always "unavailable" for lunches and happy hour gatherings.  I don't eat at certain restaurants.  I am paranoid of being seen at concerts.  I have avoided numerous events. Worst of all, I don't even shop at my favorite two-story Barnes & Noble anymore...just in case.  I know exactly which stores, restaurants, and events I can enjoy "safely" without anyone seeing me.  I've gotten myself pretty boxed in these last couple of years, come to think of it.   I'm living incognito, and this will not do for me any longer. Oddly enough, this realization has me feeling motivated and eager to step up my game and continue on my journey for health!  I just don't want to live in the emotional equivalent of Kansas under some alias anymore!

At the end of the day, Moonstruck is still one of my favorite movies, and my sabbatical from pasta is only temporary.  However, I'm not Italian and I've never been married to the Mob, so it's time for me to check out of the WPP.   I've missed the old me.  I love and cherish my current, small group of amazing friends, but I have been missing my old friends too.  And I miss going to events and doing fun things!  I miss my old life.  I even miss the two-story Barnes & Noble....and I want it all back.  Pronto!  I can close my eyes and still remember what it feels like to be the old, healthier me...and it makes me excited.  So, it seems that motivation can come from wanting something you've never had, or sometimes from wanting something you had but just forgot about for a while.  :)

Making an Egg-ception

It's been just over a week now since I started my journey to health, and I have made some surprisingly big changes.  Thus far, I am proud of the steps I have taken towards a better me.   I am being kinder to myself, while still keeping grounded in reality.  I have started working out in a reasonable manner.  And I have changed some of my eating habits to something a little more realistic.   

During my "emergency summit with self" last week, I made two major decisions: 

1.  Not all carbs are created equal.  So, I am allowing myself to have steel cut oats from time to time, as well as a little pineapple and banana, if I so choose (in moderation).  
2.  I am also reintroducing eggs back into my diet.  I buy eggs from a responsible farm, so animal welfare is not an issue.  And honestly, I need straight up protein right now and meat will never be an option.

I feel pretty great about these decisions, except for one little thing.  I only know how to prepare eggs one way - scrambled.  I can see boredom setting in already.  Don't get me wrong, I can rock out a dozen different takes on a scrambled egg with the best of 'em!  But ask me to boil one?  Yeah, not happening.  I used to have an electric egg boiling machine that my ex-hubby bought me out of pity one time, but that has long since bitten the dust.  Also, I am kind of squeamish when it comes to eggs.  I only like them scrambled, boiled, or baked in a cake.  So, clearly, it's time for me to take a class in Boiled Eggs 101.

I would normally be embarrassed by my lack of culinary skills in the egg department, but it seems I am not the only one with an issue here.  I began this new task with a search on Pinterest for "How to Boil an Egg."  It came back with dozens of different pins on the subject!   YES!

I decided to refine my search to locate the very best recipe possible, as I am really trying to do things right on this journey.  So, I added the words "Martha" and "Stewart" to the search parameters.  If anyone knows how to properly boil an egg, it has to be the Domestic Goddess herself.  I am fairly certain that I have seen Martha fashion a Christmas wreath AND a new pair of slippers out of nothing more than a ball of twine, some fabric, and some empty paper-towel rolls.  In fact, I am sure of it.   Seriously folks...Martha handled prison like a boss.  I am pretty sure she can handle a boiled egg in the most efficient and perfect manner.  Feeling skeptical yet confident, I proceed, armed with nothing more than some cartons of eggs and a recipe I pinned from Martha Stewart Living: 

BOILING EGGS 101:

1. Place a dozen eggs in a pan - Check.
2. Cover with cold water by about an inch - Okay, done.
3. Place on medium-high heat until the moment they begin to boil - Got it.
4. Then immediately remove from heat and let stand, covered, for 12 minutes - Done.
5. Once the 12 minutes is up, and not a second after, drain the water, then rinse the eggs in cold water to stop the cooking process.  - Okay, I'm nervous, but think I've got this.  Whew!

Voila!  Victory is mine!!  Amazingly enough, I was able to keep my cool, not freak out, and make perfect boiled eggs!  I am feeling equal parts proud and shocked.  Runny centers?  Not for this girl!  Grayish-green ring around the yolk?  Nope, none of that here either!  Eggs that smell like sulfur?  Pffft!  As if!   Just as I suspected, Martha wins...yet again.

I guess it's true, you really can teach an old dog new tricks!   Egg salad anyone?

My eggs.  :)

Running for My Life

Except for thinking up reasons I'm allowed to skip the gym, my schedule is almost totally empty. (Today's reason is because I have a cold.  Yesterday's was the dog seemed sad.)" ~ Jen Lancaster (from her memoir - Such a Pretty Fat)

I am approximately a 30-second walk from my community gym.  I also have a free membership to the gym across from my office, which is paid for by my employer.  Who, by the way, encourages us to leave the office during work hours to go use that gym!  His thinking is that a healthy employee will be less stressed and will miss less work...and he would be right.  Regardless, I never seem to make it to either gym for a workout.  Of course, I have a million reasons as to why I can't make it - I need to walk my dog, my workout clothes are dirty, my heel hurts (my only somewhat legit excuse), I forgot to throw socks in my bag, my dog is lonely, I am slammed with work, I need to go to the store, blah, blah, blah....

The thing is, I actually kind of enjoy working out once I get started.  And I certainly love the feeling of accomplishment afterward.  The issue is just actually getting myself to the gym. I swear, it is harder for me to put on my workout clothes and saunter the 20 yards to the gym, than it is to sweat my eyeballs out, burning 500+ calories in an hour-long Zumba class!  How is it that what is supposed to be the easiest part of working out is actually the hardest for me?

I've thought long and hard about my crazy gym predicament.  It seems, as with my grocery store dilemma, it basically just boils down to poor planning on my part.  I need to schedule it, and be very specific in doing so.  I cannot leave any room for error.  If I don't declare in advance the exact hour, day, and type of exercise that I am planning for my workout, it leaves the door open for my mind to enter the equation.  And my mind loves the couch...and my dog.

So I formulated a plan.   I have decided I am going to run a 5k.   Just typing that sentence sends chills down my spine, but I am determined to do this.  It has always been on my "bucket list" to run a marathon.  This could be a good start!  I would love to do the Disney Marathon one day or, better yet, the New York City Marathon.  I could visit my good friend that lives in New York and reward myself after my run with a shopping extravaganza!  Good plan!  I know it sounds like a bit of a lofty goal to shoot for, but it beats walking aimlessly for miles and miles on a treadmill with no end or reward in sight.

I don't enjoy running at all.  In fact, that whole "runner's high" thing?  I'm not buying it, folks.  So go peddle that crazy talk to someone who is, okay?  But running, or at least walking anyway, is something I know I can do.  I am not the world's greatest athlete, but despite the mess I have gotten myself into physically, I am still able to move one foot in front of the other.  Plus, I have a feeling that by starting out slowly and building up, that I may actually like doing it one day.  What a concept!  My previous attempts at running have always started off with me going all out, hard core on day one.  I am thinking that may likely be the reason I have always hated running.  Two words: shin splints.

I am actually excited about starting my fitness journey tomorrow.  and I am proud of myself for making a plan, for once.  I have already downloaded the "Couch to 5k" app for my iPhone, and have pinned the "Couch to 5k" schedule to my fitness-board on Pinterest.  I am sorting through all of my workout clothes tonight, laundering them, and pairing up shirts with pants together in a drawer for quick and easy access.   Day one workout?  10 minutes of walking,  2 minutes of jogging, then 10 more minutes of walking again.  Sounds doable.  Rock on.  #noexcuses

Emergency Summit needed....

One of the most difficult tasks on this journey is deciding what to eat.   I know that sounds crazy, but it's true.  I mean, eating is a pretty simple thing really. Regardless, I feel like I have painted myself into a corner, nutritionally speaking.  How did I get so fat again?  

After years of research and the experience of bad choices, one would think that I would know the clearest, most convenient, and direct route to eating for healthy weight loss.  And one would be wrong.   I do know a thing or two (in theory) about what to eat, but I think I have information overload…and my execution is terrible!  I need to whittle this mess in my head down to something manageable.   I need to take the time to figure out what information to keep and what to throw out.  Here I am living in the land of plenty, yet starving on a nutritional and cellular level.  I am definitely doing something wrong.  Life is a virtual smorgasbord in America, but some days I feel like I'm living through the Great Irish Potato Famine.  Hungry, with no viable options for nutrition.

As overweight as I am, you'd think I'd been partying in Italy all year.  Ironically enough, I think I have just placed too many restrictions on myself.  I don't even know what I'm "allowed" to eat anymore, so out of desperation I usually end up grabbing something fast and convenient (unhealthy and processed).   Non bene.  

Stepping back and looking at it objectively, the problem is pretty obvious.   I mean, just look at my current guidelines for permissible foods:  no meat, nothing processed, nothing frozen, no sugar, no dairy, no eggs, must be organic, no artificial sweeteners, no gluten, low on the glycemic index, and must be somewhat easy to prepare.  So, yeah…I pretty much just described celery.   No wonder I feel so desperate.

It's embarrassing really.  I feel like a deer caught in the headlights the second I walk into a grocery store (or restaurant, or even my own kitchen some days!).   I walk in; grab a basket or cart, then stop right there, and just stand, looking at the aisles before me with a gazillion thoughts flying around my head, not knowing where to start.  I feel overwhelmed and scared.  So, I hurry up and grab something that's "not so bad" and quick and easy to make.  Then I get the heck out of dodge while the gettin' is good!  Pretty much, this usually means I grab something that's "not so healthy" from the frozen food section, or pasta...again.  Yep.  I need a better plan. 

My usual experience at the grocery store, and eating in general, can best be summed up with that line from The Rime of the Ancient Mariner - "Water, water everywhere, but not a drop to drink."  That is exactly how I feel.  Clearly, I need to loosen up on some of my self-imposed rules and sanctions.  I want to be able to eat more than celery and green juice every day.  I need to find a happy medium.  I am driving myself mad!  So, today's goal?  An emergency summit with self to review the state of the union and to decide the best and healthiest options going forward.  Now THAT is a good plan!! 

Thank you for being a friend

Like most people in the free world, I love Betty White.  I feel a real connection with her.  In fact, my ex-hubby used to tell me I even reminded him of Betty White.  As it turns out, Betty and I actually do have some things in common.  We are both huge animal lovers/animal rights advocates.  We have each had that "one great love" in our life.  And neither of us have had children (although Betty has step-children that she has said she loves as her own - and I believe her on that).  We are just a couple of freewheelin' dames with good hearts....and maybe a little dash of the devil at times.  In essence, Betty White is my spirit animal.

Betty White has a huge following of adoring fans.  She has the respect of her peers, both young and old.  And she has remained loyal to her circle of close friends for decades.  That doesn't happen by accident.  That is the sign of someone who is truly authentic and loving.   Sounds kind of like her character in The Golden Girls, no?  Life really does imitate art.  

I have been thinking a lot about Betty White recently in my search for lasting change for health.  What would Betty do if she were me?  I know there is more to this than just calories in versus calories out.  I know it's also an inside job.    

Looking inward, I have come to the conclusion that I have not been a good friend to myself over the years.  I have done things to my body that I would never allow anyone to do to my loved ones, and I have talked some serious trash to myself.  I am not just referring to positive self-talk necessarily.  Although I believe that is really important.  I am talking more about a healthy respect and love for myself.  Kind of like Betty has for herself, and her friends, peers, fans, and loved ones.  Could it be possible that if I am a good friend to myself that my body will reciprocate and shine for me in return, like Betty with her adoring fans?  I believe this to be true.  Right now though?  I am totally out of sync with my spirit animal!  

So again, I ask myself - WWBWD?  And I have decided that one of my top priorities on this journey is to be a better friend to myself.  To speak to myself with respect, keep my inner dialogue loving, and to treat myself like I would treat my friends and loved ones.  It may take a while to change my old negative thinking, and I may never have the self-esteem and courage to pose nude like Betty White did (Google it!), but I am making a conscious effort everyday to be kind....to me.  

Calling in Fat

One of the biggest issues with being so overweight is my limited wardrobe.  Somewhere along the line I decided I didn't want to buy "fat clothes", so I have only been buying the bare minimum amount of clothing for several years now.  Just enough to keep myself from being arrested on streaking charges, or getting carted off to the roundhouse for same.  Also, seeing my neighbors shove red hot pokers in their eyes as the better alternative to viewing me in all my glory, would not bode well for my self-esteem.

I love fashion and clothes, so I figured this would cause me enough pain that I would stick to a weight loss plan.  I deemed it my punishment for allowing myself to balloon up to the size of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.  Clearly I misjudged my love of carbs against my love of fashion.  Shoe shopping anyone?

To add insult to injury, I also refused to buy anything fashionable.  Well, it wasn't a conscious choice necessarily, but one day I looked in my closet and someone (read: me) had replaced all of my cute clothes with soccer mom rubbish.  Nothing against soccer moms, but I don't have children and I don't like sports.  I try to supplement from time to time with something stylish from The Loft or Ann Taylor, but let's keep it real here - the shirts are the only thing that fit me from those stores, and by "fit me" I mean they stretch across my fat in a tight but adequate manner.

Fashion tip #1 - Tight shirts are not stylish when they accentuate your fat rolls.

Fashion tip #2 - Tight shirts are not stylish when they draw attention to your looser fitting mom pants

Fashion tip #3 - Cardigans = a fat girls go to staple

So here I am on a Monday morning, going through the same ritual from last Monday, and the Monday before that, and the Monday from last year....and I am miserable.  I have nothing to wear.  Nothing comfortable anyway.  Nothing that looks stylish and fits well.  I can only have one or the other, not both at the same time.  Can I just call in fat?  Would it really kill my boss to let me work from home in my lounge pants all day?  I think not.  However, I am afraid it would kill me.  I have found that wearing loose fitting clothing gives me this weird sense of normalcy.  Like I don't need to lose weight.  Coupled with the fact that I don't have a full length mirror in my house, I actually start to believe it on some level.

Note to self: go to Target and buy a full length mirror posthaste.

So, I stand here frustrated, ironing this short-sleeved summer cardigan (slub knit cotton?  I love you, but you are still too hot for the likes of Florida), and I will try to make it look as professional and nice as possible.  Thank God I have good hair.  Yeah, it's come down to that.

A Dose of Reality

Ok, it's time to tell the truth....the whole truth...

My life is a bit of a mess.  I am fat beyond recognition.  I am mentally taxed and uncomfortable in my current body, and I am physically miserable in countless ways.  I need to lose 75 pounds, like yesterday.   And don't even get me started on the issues with my whacked out hormones.  In a nutshell, I am a mess!  Inside and out.  An overhaul in every area of my life is long overdue.  To paraphrase a quote by Kris Carr - it's not just about what I am eating, it's about what's eating me.

It hasn't always been this way though.  In fact, I was really happy and skinny for a lot of my life.  Occasionally I would gain a few pounds, but I would generally stay at a healthy weight.  Dieting and weight loss were non-issues.  Then I became a vegetarian/sometime vegan....and that is where my troubles really began.  I mean, yay for me...and an even bigger YAY for the animals!!   However, I didn't educate myself on plant-based nutrition, and I didn't know how to prepare proper, balanced meals without meat.  I didn't even think about it really, nor did I care.  I know, crazy, right?  How hard could it have been?  Apparently, pretty hard.

In my defense, information on this subject wasn't as readily available 10 years ago as it is now.  And I was too busy and cavalier to invest any time in finding out this critical information.  I didn't think to replace meat with tempeh, edamame, quinoa, or other healthy alternatives.  I didn't worry about getting enough B-12.  I didn't understand about toxins building up in my system from all of the processed food I was eating (I am looking at you Morning Star "corndogs" and Sweet & Buttery popcorn).  It never dawned on me that cereal was junk food.  How could I have known that too much soy would cause so many issues with my delicate hormonal system?  And then there are those liquid calories....a monster problem in its own right.  Oy.   All I knew was that I couldn't allow myself to eat an animal.....so I just stopped doing that.

Basically, my diet consisted of pasta, bread, sweets, fruit, pasta, processed "meat" alternatives, pasta, pizza, veggies, cereal, pasta, and occasional dairy.  And did I mention pasta?  So yeah....not the healthiest of choices.  To make matters worse, I started eating like this at a time that would turn out to be the beginning of one of the most tumultuous decades of my life.  In short, I was a disaster waiting to happen.

Today I am more aware and better equipped for a plant-based lifestyle, but I have to undo the damage of the last 10-years before I can go forward properly.  I have learned quite a bit the last couple of years actually.  Whether it was through personal research, the experience of bad choices, opening my eyes to the obvious all around me, or just flat out using my God-given common sense.  I don't know everything, by any stretch of the imagination, but I do feel I am ready for this change!  Time for a reboot!   I know I have a long way to go both mentally and physically, but a journey begins with a single step, as they say.  Let the journey begin now.....

Rock on.