Running Out Of Steam

It's been a week since my last post.  Life has kept me busy, but that's not really the reason I haven't blogged.  I've had one of those weeks where I am just tired of the whole thing.  Not the blogging part, just the journey part.  It's hard to stay encouraged.  I've stayed the course, but it was tough this week.  Keeping my spirits up is half of the battle, and this week it felt like a full on war.  

I usually try to blog about something uplifting, informational, funny, or interesting.  But today?  Today I just want to blog about how I really feel....which is none of those things.  I decided I would rather be a little bit of a downer, and keep it real, than to not blog at all.  I do still have some nuggets of happiness and encouragement in my mind, but they are stuck in a logjam behind my utter disdain for this leg of my journey.  I definitely need to clear this mental blockage to get those good feelings flowing once again.  So here goes....

The thing is, it hurts to run.  I have a lot of extra weight crushing down on my skeletal system with each running step.  Sure, my muscles are fatigued, and it's still kind of hard to catch my breath a lot of times, and I still get the occasional twinge of pain in my heel (the one that has the torn achilles tendon), but that's all to be expected.  They don't call it a "work"out for nothing!  If working out were easy, I would have achieved my weight loss goals long ago!  But the crushing weight on my skeletal system is just so rough.  

It seems I'm in this sucky catch-22 right now.  I have to exercise to help my body shed the fat, but the fat is making it hard to exercise.  It's really hard to run with all of this extra weight, and it's even difficult to get into certain yoga positions.  My own body gets in the way, especially the extra weight in my belly.  Imagine strapping a big bag of wet sand to the front of your body and then running like that, or trying to do the "plow" position in yoga.  Yep, that is basically my current reality.  It's really hard.   That is what it is like for me.   

The funny thing is, as I just typed that last paragraph, I thought to myself - "What a whiner."  The image of Bill Murray in What About Bob? popped into my head - "I'm doing the work, I'm taking the baby steps, but I need, I need, I neeeed!"   It's not whining though....it's being honest.  I am still pushing forward and continuing on this journey.  I am not making excuses.  And I am certainly not quitting.  I am just blogging about my realities...in the off-chance that someone reading this is on the "struggle bus" as well.   

The struggle is real.  But I think we can get through this rough patch - together -  one back-crushing step at a time.  Will we ever achieve the elusive "runner's high"?  I don't know.  I am not even certain that that is a real thing.  It seems more likely that I'd run into Bigfoot pumping iron at the gym.  I am not even sure, just yet, if I can even achieve jogging for 15 minutes straight.  But even still, in the face of all of this uncertainty, I honestly feel deep down in my gut...my big fat gut...that this will all pay-off in the end.  It will all be worth it.  I may never experience that euphoric endorphin rush from running, but something tells me that it pales in comparison to how fantastic it will feel simply finishing the race.  

Power on , my friends.  Power on!

No Man Is An Island

As I continue my journey to health and a better me, I am learning a lot of valuable life lessons along the way.  I am learning why I choose the foods I eat, what keeps me motivated, new ways to improve my overall well-being, and lots of helpful tips and tricks for success. This week, however, I've learned the most valuable lesson to date: no man is an island.

I am not sure why I do this really, but I tend to "island out" at times.  Not in an awesome "toes in the sand and a girl drink in my hand" kind of way either. Unfortunately, there are no frosty, umbrella-laced drinks in coconuts served on my island.  There's no cool sand or tropical breeze. There's no sweet, old Bahamian man playing calypso music on a steel drum, and there's certainly no studly cabana dude waving a palm frawn to keep me cool. Unfortunately, "islanding out" usually means trouble for me.

Think less paradise and more castaway here.  Something more along the lines of a tiny little island with a rocky shore and one little palm tree, surrounded by shark-infested waters, and the sun beating down so hot that the sand nearly bursts into flames under my bare feet. And, of course, there's nary a measure of music nor a cabana dude to be found anywhere either. 

I don't become a hermit or anything like that, I just sometimes choose to handle certain things on my own...when I really should ask for help. Even when I realize I would be better off asking for advice or getting valuable input from someone else, I simply don't choose that option for some reason.  

In the past, I would be so focused on building a rickety, old, makeshift raft with which to save myself, that I wouldn't look up to notice all of the boats and helicopters surrounding me.  I'd continue with my raft building instead of sending up smoke signals.  There is definitely something to be said about doing things for yourself and being independent.  It's good to figure things out for yourself sometimes.  But also?  You can't be an idiot, or you'll end up on a deathtrap of a raft out in the middle of an unforgiving ocean.  I've done it.  I know. 

A great thing has happened in this whole process of blogging my journey and all of its truths.  By putting it all out there, I've given my island coordinates to those around me.  As everyone knows, two heads are better than one, four heads are better than two, and so on and so forth.  Blogging has, in some ways, been like using seashells to spell S.O.S in the sand. Friends, family, and co-workers have stepped up in a big way.  They have really been there for me.  They have been a valuable asset on this journey.  Every tip and piece of advice I've received has been taken to heart. Every recipe has been put into rotation. And every bit of support has been wholly cherished.

This week, for example, one of my sisters jumped out of her helicopter all "Seal Team 6 style" down to my little island to hand me a survival kit...the perfect weekly meal plan. This is the equivalent of someone giving a real castaway a raft, a Swiss army knife, water purification tablets, and some cans of food.  It was just what I needed.

Making meals and buying food have obviously been issues for me.  Although I have made great strides in the right direction when it comes to food, it is still somewhat stressful for me.  My Seal Team 6 sister (ST6 for short) lost over a hundred pounds with diet and exercise alone.  I'd be crazy not to accept her meal plans! She even went as far as to include recipes and a grocery list to make things easy and totally doable for me!  Although she is not a vegetarian, she even customized the meals for my veggie needs.  She put a lot of thought into each meal, giving me the most delicious nutrition in every healthy bite.  ST6 really hooked me up!  For that, I am grateful.  I'm glad she noticed my shells in the sand.  

So, tonight I'm just going to lean back on my palm tree, enjoy a delicious chopped salad and a beautiful sunset, as I count the boats on the horizon. Thanks ST6!  You rock.

**insert calypso music here** 😊

Keeping it real...

Up until recently, sleep deprivation was the norm for my life.  So much so, that I had become numb to the daily pain and suffering of my overtaxed body.  My mind had completely turned a deaf ear to my body begging for a night of restorative slumber.  I knew things weren't right, of course, but I had sadly adjusted to living life perpetually exhausted and fuzzy-minded. Such is no longer the case though. (see blog entry: Chasing My Dreams)  

Happily, once I started "Project Sleepy Time," my body immediately fell right back into a regular sleep routine.  As it turns out, enjoying a restful night's sleep is like riding a bicycle - your body never forgets how to do it, no matter how much time has passed.  Finally, after my first full night of restful sleep in years, I was back on my sleepy-time bike and off to the races in slumber town!  However, at this point in my life, I have learned to expect some bumps in the road.  This week was no exception...  

It was already a crazy week for me, when a new neighbor and his 5 dogs moved in next door. I clearly love all animals.  I have a dog and a cat, and if space and community guidelines permitted, I would have a few farm animals up in here as well.  As long as a person has the means and the heart to care for them properly, I fault no one for having a menagerie of pets in their home.  The issue is, the adorable neighbor pups were a little scared/nervous in their new home the first few nights.  They barked all night long...for two nights solid.    I slept not a wink.  Crikey.  

By the end of the week I was exhausted from the lack of sleep.  I drove home from work Friday night, trying not to nod off along the way.  Every plan I had for the evening went right out the window.  Forget eating dinner.  I was too tired to chew.  Nightly yoga?  Please. Unless it was to do savasana, otherwise known as the "corpse pose," this girl was not rolling out her sticky mat.  I had just enough energy to walk my dog....and even that was questionable.  

I was totally out of steam, so I decided to just give myself a break for one night.  Guilt free.  It wasn't like I was going to gorge on ice cream and pizza, or anything crazy like that.  I was simply skipping yoga and dinner for one night.   I needed more than just sleep.  I needed a moment to zone out, do nothing, and deconstruct the week.  I needed to trade in the time I would've normally spent on my preplanned agenda for some simple "me" time.  

I washed my face, and brushed my teeth (as hygiene always trumps sleep), put on my fuzzy lounge pants, grabbed a cup of caffeine-free green tea (with stevia), and cuddled up on the couch with my pup.  Then, I queued up my iTunes movies for a night of back-to-back old-school chick-flicks, and I was set.

It felt wondrous!  It was just what my body, soul, and mind needed.  I was asleep before Bridget Jones could hook up with Hugh Grant at the launch party for "Kafka's Motorbike."  I slept like a baby and awoke feeling happy, rested, and back on track.

Lesson learned:  It's good to remain flexible....and not just in yoga.  You never know what life will throw your way, but you also have to keep it real.  Stop, catch your breath, jump back up on that bike, and keep peddling on!

Keen on Quinoa

Pasta.  I love pasta.  Every shape and color, fresh or boxed, it doesn't matter.  I think it's divine.  I love the taste, the mouthfeel of each al dente bite, the warm comfort it provides, the ease of preparation...everything.  Pasta is simple, yet versatile.  It's the LBD (little black dress) of the food world.  Pasta is "home" to me.  Pardon me for waxing poetic, but I think pasta is amazing.  I love pasta.  I miss pasta.  Pasta is nothing but classic, yummy goodness!

Although it was invented by the Chinese, pasta was perfected in Italy.  And, unless you are a huge ramen fan, you most likely think of Italian food when you hear the word "pasta."  Pasta is pretty much synonymous with Italy in today's world.  When someone suggests having pasta for dinner, a hundred different classic Italian dishes spring to mind.  Bowls of fresh linguine ensconced in buttery, cheesy, garlicky Alfredo.  Manicotti topped with sweet, tomatoey red sauce, and oozing with gooey, fresh mascarpone, mozzarella, and parmesan cheeses.  And then there's the Godfather of all pasta dishes - Lasagna.  Nothing quite compares to the bubbly, baked goodness of the perfect pan of lasagna, fresh from the oven.  The possibilities are endless.  But for me?  I like it simple.  A nice little (read: enormous) pile of classic spaghetti rigati topped with a sweet, herby tomato and basil sauce.  Perfection.

As you know (if you're following my blog), I am sadly "off of pasta" for now.  I decided that when I lose 30 pounds I will allow myself to have one perfectly measured portion of spaghetti, and not a moment before.  At 50 pounds, I will allow myself to have another perfectly measured portion.  At that point, and going forward, I will allow myself to have pasta no more than twice a month...in carefully measured portions.  I don't want to, nor can I, live in a world without pasta forever.  It's my favorite food!  But I am addicted.  I mean really addicted.  I could eat it everyday...and have before.  But now I am redefining my relationship with pasta and food in general.  If I don't keep it real, I will never be thin and healthy.  I know this to be true, and the reality is...my name is Hayne, and I'm a pasta addict.

I've done really well so far.  Its been a big adjustment with changing my eating habits, but I'm making progress. I am down 12.6 pounds, and that feels really good!!  The key, it seems, is finding suitable replacements.  For example, I have a spiralizer, so I make zucchini pasta from time to time.  It's pretty good, but it doesn't quite have that comfort food quality like pasta.  It works though.  Then there's quinoa....

Quinoa does have that "comfort food" quality to it that I love about pasta.  Also, it's a great source of complete protein, and is gluten free.  Like pasta, this little seed is simple, yet versatile.  It's not as addictive to me as pasta, so portion control is a lot easier.  I've really been getting creative with quinoa lately, and it couldn't be easier to prepare.  Two parts liquid (I use veggie broth) to one part quinoa; bring to a boil; then simmer for about 15 minutes.  Easy-peasy!  

I started off making a "quinoa mushroom stuffing" that my Mom had made for me once.  It's easy and delicious!  While the quinoa is cooking, I sauté some diced onion and celery, then add it in to the simmering quinoa.  While it finishes cooking, I sauté sliced baby Bella mushrooms to perfection with salt and freshly cracked black pepper.  I stir the mushrooms into the quinoa, and voila...it's done!  Yummy and nutritious!  

I've recently started getting a little crazy with my quinoa.  This is huge for me!  Let's not forget here that I require a recipe for boiled eggs, so to "wing it" with quinoa makes me feel like the next Top Chef!  I'm extremely proud of myself...and my quinoa concoctions!  I make a Chinese version (mixed veggies with water chestnut, some egg, and teriyaki), and of course, an Italian version (tomato sauce, mozzarella (Daiya), and fresh basil).  I'm currently in the process of figuring out a recipe for Mexican-style quinoa as well.  I fully expect it to be just as fantastic!

Although there is no real replacement for a bowl of delicious pasta, at least not for me anyway, I am embracing this pasta sabbatical with open arms.  I am making healthy choices, and sharpening my culinary skills in the process!  To this I say rock on!  So for at least the next 17.4 pounds, bring on the quinoa!  Buon Appetito!!  :)

The Great American Playlist

During the summer months in the great Sunshine State, it's too hot to safely jog or run outside.  This is Florida, the land of oppressive heat and host to many a serial killer.  I can either go running during the heat of the day and seriously risk heat stroke, or I can go out under the cover of night and risk a more wicked fate.  Sure, I could take the gamble, but why put myself in a perilous situation unnecessarily?   Other than casually walking my dog, I think it's best to keep my feet on the treadmill for the summer.

My gym has the latest and greatest treadmills available, but running on a treadmill can become monotonous regardless of how fancy it may be.  It's vital to keep things at the gym entertaining in order to make it worth coming back.  I usually occupy my time on the treadmill by visualizing the better, healthier version of me that I am working toward.  I visualize the cute outfits I will wear, crossing the finish line at the zombie 5k, seeing old friends again (sans the shame), and even simpler things like getting out of bed in the morning with a spring in my step instead of an achy shuffle.  I totally zone out and daydream about achieving my goals.  I really enjoy this time spent visualizing. Well, that is, until it all comes to a screeching halt when the wrong song rolls into my iTunes queue. Disaster.

I don't know why I allow myself to be at the mercy of my iPhone. It's not the greatest DJ in the world. Also?  It has this weird, sick and twisted side.  Seriously.  There are moments I'd swear that my iPhone is just a more current, handheld version of HAL 9000.  For example, I'll just be jogging my heart out, visualizing my goals, and jamming out to some great tunes, when it suddenly decides to throw some "Oh, Holy Night" by Straight No Chaser into the mix.  I love Christmas carols and I adore Straight No Chaser, but the abrupt change can be really jarring at times!  If that isn't bad enough, my iPhone also has a weird obsession with the band Train.  I don't feel comfortable discussing the details right now, but trust me....it is very "single white female" and freaky.

Obviously, I need to establish some boundaries.  No more 2001: Space Odyssey for this girl!  I  am going to be my own DJ from here on out.  Enter: Playlists.  I need to create a few different playlists for my workouts.  Each playlist will have a different mood or theme so that I can set the tunes to match the mood I am in for that day.  Possible playlists:

1.  That's my Jam (Description: jam band music.  Root: Dave Matthews Band)
2.  Deep Thoughts (Description: hipster tunes.  Root: Mumford & Sons)
3.  Judge Not (Description: guilty pleasures. Root: Maroon 5)
4.  Love Boat Mix (Description: easy, summer tunes.  Root: Michael McDonald)
5.  Fly By Nights (Description: current hits with a decent hook.  Root: Various Artists)
6.  Don't Stop Me Now (Description: old school rock.  Root: Queen/Pink Floyd)
7.  Girl Power (Description: powerful songs for women.  Root: Pink)

I may also make a classical playlist, and a Sinatra-style playlist at some point.  I'm not sure yet, but I am off to a good start for now!  Since today is a "rest" day on my C25K program, I have time this evening to make my playlists.  I am really excited to do this!  I love anything with music, and every step I take to help myself along the way, regardless of how minor, is still a step in the right direction. I look forward to sitting down tonight with my pup and my laptop and selecting the songs that will keep my feet moving, my thoughts flowing, and the good times rolling!

Until next time, keep on rocking in a free world!  :)

Double Down...or Double Tap

If and when a zombie apocalypse occurs, I am ready. I've watched Shaun of the Dead and Zombieland more times than I can count, and have spent hour upon hour binge-watching The Walking Dead.  I am a girl with a plan - Costco and cardio.

In the event of a real Zombie Apocalypse, I am making a mad dash for the neighborhood Costco. It's like the world's greatest "bug out bag" meets Ft. Knox...on steroids. When the brains hit the fan, that is where you will find me, holed up and prepared. Once those metal gates close over the front doors and the delivery docks are bolted shut, no one will be coming in or going out.  I could live for years in Costco. They sell generators, kerosene, grills, batteries, first aid items, food, water, furniture, entertainment, and a myriad of things with which to construct makeshift bombs or shivs.  A friend argued that Walmart would be the better choice as they sell guns and ammo.  Maybe so, but I would rather chance it in the wild with the zombies than to step foot in a Walmart.....both are equally risky, in my opinion.

I don't seriously think there will be a Zombie Apocalypse, of course.  I have, however, decided to sign up for the local "5k Zombie Run" in November.  I'm really excited to have this new goal!  This will be a really cool 5k to participate in too.  "Zombies" come out of the nooks and crannies on the course to "attack" runners as they pass by.  Before you begin the run, you are issued three flags to hang off of your body. The zombies attack you by trying to grab the flags.  The goal is to finish with all or some of your flags intact.   Finishing the run without any flags is the equivalent of having your brains eaten by real zombies. I saw pics on the website from previous years, and the zombies actually look kinda scary!  I am really excited!  Flags or no flags, everyone gets a medal and a t-shirt for finishing, and there will be a party afterward with food and entertainment!  I have recruited a few friends to join me, so this is going to be really fun!   

With the zombie 5k on the horizon, it's time to really get prepared. I have just over 3 months to do so.  If I've learned anything from Zombieland, it's that cardio is the #1 rule for survival.  Such will be the case at the Zombie 5k as well!  I am still on track with my C25k training program, and will have about 6 weeks between finishing the program and the Zombie Run.  At that time, I'm going to double down on my cardio by starting the C210k program, and taking it as far as I can before the big day.  

It feels really good to have a fun goal to work toward!  When I do finally reach  my goal, I'm going to treat myself to a fitness related shopping trip!  Maybe I'll get some new tennis shoes, or a cute workout outfit from Fabletics, or maybe even splurge on something awesome from Lululemon!  I'll see what strikes me at that time, but nothing will be as sweet and rewarding as crossing the finish line...with or without my "brains."   :)