Calling in Fat

One of the biggest issues with being so overweight is my limited wardrobe.  Somewhere along the line I decided I didn't want to buy "fat clothes", so I have only been buying the bare minimum amount of clothing for several years now.  Just enough to keep myself from being arrested on streaking charges, or getting carted off to the roundhouse for same.  Also, seeing my neighbors shove red hot pokers in their eyes as the better alternative to viewing me in all my glory, would not bode well for my self-esteem.

I love fashion and clothes, so I figured this would cause me enough pain that I would stick to a weight loss plan.  I deemed it my punishment for allowing myself to balloon up to the size of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.  Clearly I misjudged my love of carbs against my love of fashion.  Shoe shopping anyone?

To add insult to injury, I also refused to buy anything fashionable.  Well, it wasn't a conscious choice necessarily, but one day I looked in my closet and someone (read: me) had replaced all of my cute clothes with soccer mom rubbish.  Nothing against soccer moms, but I don't have children and I don't like sports.  I try to supplement from time to time with something stylish from The Loft or Ann Taylor, but let's keep it real here - the shirts are the only thing that fit me from those stores, and by "fit me" I mean they stretch across my fat in a tight but adequate manner.

Fashion tip #1 - Tight shirts are not stylish when they accentuate your fat rolls.

Fashion tip #2 - Tight shirts are not stylish when they draw attention to your looser fitting mom pants

Fashion tip #3 - Cardigans = a fat girls go to staple

So here I am on a Monday morning, going through the same ritual from last Monday, and the Monday before that, and the Monday from last year....and I am miserable.  I have nothing to wear.  Nothing comfortable anyway.  Nothing that looks stylish and fits well.  I can only have one or the other, not both at the same time.  Can I just call in fat?  Would it really kill my boss to let me work from home in my lounge pants all day?  I think not.  However, I am afraid it would kill me.  I have found that wearing loose fitting clothing gives me this weird sense of normalcy.  Like I don't need to lose weight.  Coupled with the fact that I don't have a full length mirror in my house, I actually start to believe it on some level.

Note to self: go to Target and buy a full length mirror posthaste.

So, I stand here frustrated, ironing this short-sleeved summer cardigan (slub knit cotton?  I love you, but you are still too hot for the likes of Florida), and I will try to make it look as professional and nice as possible.  Thank God I have good hair.  Yeah, it's come down to that.